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The second is never the charm

(all photos are taken from google.co.ke)

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Dear Cousin,

Halo, How are you? I guess it’s been a long time since we last spoke, ignore the fact that we only started knowing about our relationship last year. It should matter and I am not ignoring that fact, but there is something more important I want clarification on.

I know you are studying at a good tertiary institution and you are about to graduate. Good for you. I am glad you will have the power to read, to make a difference in this country and get the chance to be empowered to give men the challenge to do the same. No man with a good enough ego, will sit and watch an intelligent mind such as yours go to school and surpass him. However, I am questioning why after all these years of school you are ready to throw that away? What was the point of paying all that school fees to reach that level for you to make such a decision? You have every right to do so. I cannot hold your hand or force you to change, but before you do that let me talk to you for a moment.

I am convinced to ask some of my friends who have graduated and have good minds above their shoulders to sit down with you and talk to you. I understand that most of our aunts have gone through the same situation, but that is no excuse for you to do the same.

Are you sure that is a path you want to follow? I know it sounds judgmental and I should probably mind my own business, but I want you know I am looking out for you. You may not see it now, but I will not be comfortable knowing you will go through life, living as a second wife.



This was acceptable up to the late 1980s because we were still adamant in holding our traditional cultural beliefs. Having as many as 6 wives was the best thing that could happen to any man. If I was given a chance I would probably do the same, but I always ask myself, would I be able to love all these ladies, plus our children? It is not easy keeping track because of the hustle and struggles of urban life today. It was possible in the past, because the community helped raise the children and keep the family together. People lived in homesteads filled with uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, and grandparents and everyone contributed to the upbringing of the children and the maintenance and sustenance of the marriages. It is not possible today. Children are being brought up by the television and the internet, while the wives lack the attention of the man.

I will tell you that being a second wife means competing for attention given to the first wife and the children she has borne for the man. It means ensuring that you work extra hard to look beautiful daily to attract him to your side or bedroom. It means learning to cook and clean or just being the pretty girl the man married you for. It is possible you are a trophy wife and expected to play the ‘blonde bimbo’. 

Moreover, you have to deal with the fact that once the man gets tired and bored of you, you are pushed to the back of the line as the third wife comes in and steals the ‘show’. This is when you realize that karma is an absolute jackass. You suffer the fate of the first wife; the person you always gave the ‘evil eye’ because she was ‘compe’. Now, it is no longer about you.

When this happens you already have a few children with the man. They need food and clothing, which the man still provides as long as you are living under his roof. You cannot leave and go remarry because you have become ‘old news’ and no other man is willing to be with you. It is at this point you realize that time has gone and there is not much that can be done to go back to the start. You have become an over dependent leech and cannot survive without your man. You now plan to go to ‘war’ to bring back the attention of your man to you and the beautiful children you bore for him. Once this man dies, you and the third wife find out, your man left you out of his will (or not, I don’t know).

I want you to take some time and think carefully. Once you go on that path, no one will be able to help you. You will be sitting down reading this story again about how I tried to warn you, but you were going to get married and have everything you heart desired.


I am concerned even if we have not known each other for long. You are family, and I will always look after my family.

I love you cuz.

Yours dearly,


A concerned cousin

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